On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
