the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
