It's like a parade of train wrecks.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
