Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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