Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
