sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
