Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
