I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you would pick up someone in the library
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
