awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
