Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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