i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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