I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
