Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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