Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
