I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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