The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
