she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
