Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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