i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Watching her eat just hurts me
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
