I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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