This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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