If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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