The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
