Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
