Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize