I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
