2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
