I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize