I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
