So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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