Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
