I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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