Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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