ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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