I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
