If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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