I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
