I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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