Kiss
Puke
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
