Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
