I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize