so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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