Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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