I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
