You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
