"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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