fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
