I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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