i used baking grease as lip gloss
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
