Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want to make a zoo with you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize