Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
