Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
