i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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