Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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