why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
