So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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