I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
