Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
