The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
