That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
