Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
