I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
