Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
