i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize