There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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