a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
