i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
