youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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